Words: Harry Shukman
They say Washington is Hollywood for ugly people, but it would do ugly people a real disservice to say this also applies to Westminster. What makes British political sleaze seem so grim, so slimy? The answer lies in that footage of Matt Hancock snogging his aide Gina Coladangelo, a Department of Health colleague, revealed last week by The Sun. It’s the way he furtively pokes his balding head out the door to check the coast is clear. It’s how he awkwardly shuffles over to her, as if to say ‘Right, my Google Calendar tells me it’s our 15-minute adultery meeting’. It’s how he immediately grabs her ass like a teenager who wholeheartedly believes that there is no punani without Armani.
The late writer AA Gill once teased political anoraks for having certain characteristics — like speedy typing — that indicated an adolescence “bereft of one-to-one nudity”. It must be the desire to make up for all those mornings leafleting in the rain and evenings sitting in empty, echoey town halls for speeches on Friedmanite theory that drives politicians like Hancock to shag their colleagues. As is unfortunately the case, his antics have recalled past political scandals that weren’t quite Jeremy Thorpe or Profumo-grade, but were still pretty grotty in their own way. Here’s your run down of the best Hancock-tier fiascos – your A-to-Sleaze guide (sorry).
Baron Sewel: “I just want to be led astray…”
John Sewel
Baron Sewel deserves a prominent mention as Deputy Speaker of the House of Lords who cavorted with two hookers and a lot of cocaine. Exposed in 2015 for behaving like a graduate accountant suddenly bestowed with the feudal privilege known as droit du seigneur, he was caught on a hidden camera chugging champagne, vodka, and wine before snorting a line of gear off a call girl’s breasts. Sewel, who helped to write a code of conduct for peers that asked them to act with “selflessness, integrity, accountability, openness, honesty and leadership”. He was filmed telling the prostitutes “I just want to be led astray”, which, when you think about it, is at least open and honest.
Anthony Lambton
Lord Lambton was the Conservative MP for Berwick-upon-Tweed for twenty years before he detonated his career by getting caught visiting prostitutes. He was snapped smoking weed with two call girls in the 1970s. There was a stink at the time over whether Lambton, an air force minister, had spoken about secret government business during his trysts. “I have certainly never mentioned the subject or discussed defence with a girl,” he said. “I think they would be slightly bored if you did.”
Angus MacNeil MP: “I really should have known very much better…”
John Stonehouse
You’d think faking your own death must have been a lot easier in the 1970s than it is today. John Stonehouse was ahead of his time – though he only got away with it for one month. In November 1974, Stonehouse, a Labour MP, left a pile of his clothes on the beach in Miami and apparently disappeared into the sea. It wasn’t until Christmas Eve that he was found in Melbourne living under a fake name with his secretary. Amazingly, he stayed in office until August 1976.
Tim Yeo
There’s a Pete Doherty song about people who run from trouble, others who meet it halfway, and some who are glad to pay the cab fare over. Tim Yeo, a junior minister in John Major’s government, might not look like the latter — but perhaps it was his prime minister’s Back to Basics campaign in the 1990s pledging a return to “neighbourliness, decency, courtesy” which prompted him to rush out into the street yelling “Taxi!” Yeo had an affair with a Tory councillor and fathered a love child with her. Bad timing for Yeo, who had spoken publicly about the need to “reduce broken families and the number of single parents”.
"The Labour MP left a pile of his clothes on the beach in Miami and disappeared into the sea..."
Angus MacNeil
Nothing says “vote for me” like having to explain your “drunken romp” with two teenage girls, one 17 and the other 18. One of the girls described how Angus MacNeil, a rising star in the SNP, bought drinks in a hotel bar for her and her friend before going back to his room for a session of “heavy petting”, a phrase that went out of style with the mangle. MacNeil, 36 at the time, admitted to a “lapse of judgement” in 2007, adding: “I really should have known very much better.” Reports came ten years later that he had separated from his wife following a love triangle between another SNP MP and a Westminster journalist. If this rough schedule is anything to go by, 2027 should be an exciting year for MacNeil!
Alan Clark: managed to maintain an affair with a married woman — and two of her daughters
Mark Oaten
Just what exactly did Mark Oaten do? The Lib Dem MP was exposed by the News of the World for having an affair with two male prostitutes, and described as engaging in a “bizarre sex act too revolting to describe”. All kinds of speculation followed, and it was observed that never before or since was the word “coprophilia” printed in the Sunday Telegraph‘s opinion section.
David Mellor
The kiss and tell that was too good to be true. David Mellor was accused of wearing a Chelsea football kit while scoring with Antonia de Sancha, a Spanish actress, and sucking her toes. He resigned as a Tory minister in 1992, and resurfaced to chair Labour’s aptly named Football Task Force later that decade.
Alan Clark
Unbelievable to think that a man who looked like he had just caught the scent of a dog turd on the sole of his shoe was able to carry on an affair with a married woman and her two daughters. Clark called the trio “the coven”, which he was entangled with in the late 70s and early 80s. His wife Jane’s reaction was: “Quite frankly, if you bed people that I call ‘below-stairs class’, they go to the papers, don’t they?” Clark said: “I deserve to be horsewhipped. It all happened a very long time ago, and I am trying to keep a low profile. I probably have a different sense of morality from most people.”
Mark Garnier
Mark Garnier
There’s a good rule of thumb for professional life that you should never say anything to a colleague that you would want to explain to your mum or have read out in a courtroom. Calling your assistant “sugar tits” is surely one of them. Mark Garnier, a former trade minister, denied it was harassment but rather a gag from the sitcom Gavin and Stacey. Nastier was the accusation that Garnier suggested to his assistant that they go shopping for sex toys in Soho, and gave her the money to buy two vibrators. Grim.
"He had simultaneous affairs with three women, who were all in the dark about their love rivals..."
Steven Norris
Another Icarus from the Back to Basics campaign, Steven Norris split from his wife in 1993 and was carrying on simultaneous affairs with three women, who were all in the dark about their love rivals. The obvious headline: “YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, MINISTER!!!”
Jacqui Smith’s husband Richard Timney
You’ll remember the husband of Jacqui Smith, the Labour MP, as the man who paid to watch two porn films and Ocean’s Thirteen (twice) and claimed them back through wife’s expenses. Banal and despairing.
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