The Bush family — finally re-habilitated?

The Gentleman’s Journal First Annual Family Dynasty Stock Report

(or: where should I marry my offspring into next?)

It’s a volatile market for dynasties these days, with all sorts of scandals and mud being slung at well-to-do families. Savvy investors trading on centuries-old one-percenter dynasties will have closed out their positions long ago, noting correctly that the Tenures Abolition Act of 1660 that ended the feudal system would eventually create a bear market for famous clans. Interns and first-year analysts, take note of our primer on dynastic stocks before your manager hits you with a “pls fix” to correct your tanking positions.

The Windsors — poor C-suite management

DOWN: Windsor

Poor C-suite strategising saw senior management trading with regimes under sanction (Prince Michael of Kent). Toxic work environments have led to the exodus of middle management (the Duke and Duchess of Sussex), while a major HR scandal continues to dominate the firm (Prince Andrew). The time to buy is when there’s blood in the streets, but wait till they start wheeling out the guillotine down the Mall before considering an investment.

DOWN: Kennedy

The Kennedys are a distressed asset, and have been since 2011. This date marks the end of a 64-year period when one Kennedy or another was in power, from the houses of Congress to the White House. Today Robert F. Kennedy (Bobby’s son) is a notorious anti-vaccine campaigner. His brother Max, and his daughter Summer, were both arrested for getting fighty with police at a raucous Cape Cod house party. Kyra, another young Kennedy, was once turned away from a nightclub before she turned 21, shouting: “I am a Kennedy, Google me. If you don’t let me in, the governor will be calling.” She didn’t get let in, and the governor never called. Exit before your position prompts a margin call.

DOWN: Sackler

There is always free cheese in a mousetrap, and getting involved with the Sacklers is likely to come with a nasty snap. This family is known for selling OxyContin, the prescription opioid which netted them a profit of $10 billion dollars, but also led to an epidemic that has claimed the lives of half a million Americans. Ventures into art and fashion have proved unsuccessful. A bear trap stock, avoid.

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