Are you a Cad or a Gentleman? A checklist
There are no wrong answers. But there are some very right ones...
They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But if the cover boasts eerily white teeth and a motivational tattoo above his suspiciously good abs, I’m not sticking around to read the bloody book. We all know a cad when we see one — of course we do. It’s in his hair, his heel, his muscle-tee; the way your little sister laughs at his jokes. He walks into the party — to quote a certain poet who knew her fair share of cads — like he’s walking onto a yacht. (And he’s been on plenty of those this year, as his Instagram stories will loudly tell you.)
But by the time the cad’s up close and personal, it’s already too late — he’s borrowing your Camel blues and taking your little sister to Sticks & Sushi. No: what we really need is an early warning system for bad eggs; a verifiable, entirely reliable checklist that flags the cad on first sight and at thirty paces. So we made one. And if the man in question satisfies five or more of these criteria, you know just how far to run, and in which direction.
(In the interest of balance, by the way, and in a nod to the ongoing aspirational nature of this magazine, we have also included a checklist of the attributes of the modern gentleman. Tick off ten or so of these, and you’re probably on the right track. Probably.)
THE CAD
Flowers on the first date, Skis in all black, Eerily clean shooting jacket, NYE at Sandy Lane Bahamas, Proposes at Christmas, Walk-on role in Made in Chelsea, 2013, Leased Porsche Cayman from Surrey dealership, Tennis coach on gap year, Investment in luxury CBD start up, Has a favourite conditioner, Motivational tattoo, Colourful sheets, Member of Santa Maria Polo Club, Sotogrande, New Gucci loafers, Meribel regular, Threesome specialist, ‘Interesting’ socks, Daylesford loyalty card, Annabel’s on Wednesdays, Self-effacing TikTok videos which always somehow feature his abs, Has abs
Leather bracelets, Cashmere sweatsuit, Initials on signet ring, Owns more than one Rolex, Owns a Rolex for its ‘investment value’., Really hits the ‘T’ in ‘Moet’, 30 pairs of trainer socks, Enthusiastic swing dancing with bridesmaids, Suspiciously small dog, Thin lapels, Matching luggage, Pink Veuve, Wing collar with black tie, Puts James Corden in dream dinner party guestlist, ‘Humorous’ slideshow during best man’s speech, White Axel Arigatos to match teeth, Personalised number plate, Smokes Juuls, Wears Vilbrequins, Boxes for charity
The Gentleman:
Makes a decent gravy, Never lights his cigarette first, Knows his way around a wine list but lets you order, Has said “I don’t know” within the past calendar year, Excellent with grandmothers, Doesn’t use ‘product’ in hair, Would never refer to anything as ‘product’, actually, 7/10 skier, Tie knot no larger than a small nose of brie, Happy to eat carbs, Never underarm serves, Full bookshelves, ‘Scone’ to rhyme with ‘on’, Lets other people handle the barbecue, Good at washing up, Can maintain a decent conversation while winning at ping-pong
Aftershave only perceptible within one foot, Pinstripe-free-zone, Handy with a radiator key, Prompt thank you notes, 2016 VW Golf, Watch from marque few people have heard of, Can play the guitar but doesn’t, Can order lunch in French, Decent cover drive, Good pubman, Calls every referee ‘Sir’, Talented with a knife sharpener, Diligent with shoe trees, Opens champagne silently, Six-time Godfather, Nice sheets, Sings without an accent, Doesn’t rap along, Would never seriously refer to himself as a gentleman.
Read next: how to get engaged, according to your friends on Instagram
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