Am I posh? A New Year’s Eve checklist

It's NYE for PLU!

You’ve survived ‘silly season’ (yuck), made it back from your step mother’s house with only the gentlest case of gout, and crafted some pretty terrific structures with your nephew’s new Lego. Now, the only thing that stands between you and some smug resolutions (learn a language, break off the engagement, only eat carbs on days with a ‘y’ in them) is New Year’s Eve. But how you spend it says more about you than you’d care to imagine. Here, for the first time, is the definitive chinless checklist for the 31st December: NYE for PLU. (I suppose it’s a bit like bingo, if you know what bingo is.) You can play along at home if you like, safe in the knowledge that, if you’re keeping score, you’ve already lost.

  • Tepid pre-dinner bath in suspiciously cloudy water
  • Hair slicked down with vaseline/ pork fat/ mother’s sputum
  • Dress shirt with very fun, colourful pattern on the back. Saves giraffes, somehow.
  • Grandfather who pronounces ‘Venison’ with a ‘z’
  • The Hat Game very quickly turning sexist
  • Eighteen velvet nehru blazers
  • One hundred and twenty six Gucci loafers
  • A tipsy gamekeeper directing parking in a high viz jacket
  • Archie asking surreptitiously at 9.30pm if you’ve got any cash on you
  • Archie asking surreptitiously at 10.15pm if you’ve got any cash on you
  • Archie asking quite openly at 10.45pm if you’ve got any cash on you, please mate
  • Sexually suggestive taxidermy
  • Converted barn that seems to be somehow colder inside than outside
  • Crackling speaker set (subwoofer broken since James’ drum’n’bass phase last summer)
  • Three plays of Toploader before 11pm
  • Tearful argument over the aux cable at 2am
  • Some overexcited girls instigating the countdown at 11.44pm
  • Marcus lighting a catherine wheel with a Camel Blue
  • A teenager pretending to enjoy a cigar
  • Rapidly escalating requests for a threesome from a 42-year-old bachelor
  • Six girls dancing to Year 3000 on an ottoman
  • A broken ottoman

Read next: The last playboy: Taki remembers the golden New Year’s Eves of old

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