The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have decided not to give their firstborn son a royal title, which seems about right, doesn’t it. Lineage is overrated these days, and seventh in line to the throne will barely get you a table at the Ivy Brasserie Cobham anymore, let alone the Ivy Brasserie Guildford. (At half term and in busy periods, dear Prince Andrew still struggles at the Ivy Brasserie St Albans, poor thing. But then he does often push his luck with the complimentary bread basket.)
Nevertheless, to make sure young Archie doesn’t feel left out from the rest of the Windsor litter, we thought it would be fun to focus-group a couple of alternative titles for the little guy.
The Baby Formerly Known As Prince
Tiny, purple, eerily quiet and greeted by huge crowds wherever he goes, baby Archie is a dead ringer for the late great recording artist Prince.
As such, the title above seems a nifty nod to what might have been: a kind of postmodern commentary on nominative determinism, perhaps, or an examination into the performative aspects of princehood in general. (Babies are famously pretentious.)
Prince himself was a master of reinvention, and for a period became an obscure, mystical and archaic symbol — which, when you think about it, is a pretty good analogy for the royal family at large #SocialSatire.
Lord of the Dance
This position’s been vacant ever since Jesus pegged it, and you just know that Archie will be the king of any dancefloor he graces, from the valley at Wilderness to the Portman Hunt Ball, and from the Krazy Kanguruh to Mahiki Kensington (provided they haven’t quarantined the place by then.)
These things run in the family, too — Harry always seemed very animated when you’d spot him at Bodo’s Schloss of a Thursday.
Secretary of State for Defence
Seems pretty much up for grabs these days.
Director of Admissions, University of St Andrews
If I know girls and their mothers, the 18-year-old Archie will do more to boost applications to St Andrews in 2036 than any marketing campaign ever could. They may as well put the lad on the board of directors and be done with it.
Sample UCAS statement: “I’ve wanted to go to St Andrews ever since I became the prettiest of all my sisters and since my mother first realised she could social climb by proxy. Also, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a passion for History of Art with a module in Land Management…”
MC Ribbon Cutter
A rapping royal is long overdue (though I’m told Prince Edward needs little encouragement to start beatboxing of an evening) and there’s no ceremonial unveiling that couldn’t be bettered by a little hip hop.
If dear Archie is to be doomed to a lifetime of solemnly nodding at the 50th Annual Convention of the Porsche Cayenne Owners Club, he may as well spit some knowledge along the way. “Seventh in line to the British throne, but I’m the first at the party on the microphone” has a pleasingly old school swing to it. (And I’m sure there’s something very racy you could do with “Buckingham Palace”.)
You just know this kid’s going to clean up at the Feathers Ball, to say nothing of the L6th Tudor Hall mixer. Bring your tic tacs, girls — Archie’s in town and Dido’s on shuffle.