You don’t really enjoy speeches at Weddings, do you? Yes, I know that you applaud them, and congratulate the speechmakers as you pass them on your way out of the tent for that long-awaited fag. You’ll probably mention how hilarious they were in your thank you letter. But I bet you also perform a mime with your thumbs whilst scanning Track and Trace QR codes. Sometimes, you lie.
Because nobody truly likes wedding speeches. Think about it. A perfectly enjoyable dinner is rudely interrupted by a 35-year-old insurance broker who fancies himself as a star comedian — just so he can share inane anecdotes and in-jokes, leaving the audience to wonder if he really is the ‘best man’ the groom could find. His speech is so generic, in fact, it’s best understood in recipe form:
The Gentleman’s Journal’s Incredibly Generic Best Man’s Speech Recipe
Time: 32 Minutes
Difficulty Rating: Really very Easy
- 1 long-term Friend/Brother of Groom. Called something like ‘Theo’. Unmarried.
- A Handful of anecdotes that most of his friends have heard before.
- 1 Master of Ceremonies. University Friend of Groom, not as good friend as ‘Theo’. Probably called ‘Mike’.
- Master of Ceremonies takes to the stage. Taps Microphone. Irritating Woman on Table 27 starts ‘shusshing’ her end of the tent
- Microphone not plugged in. Spotty Sound Man starts fiddling.
- Microphone suddenly comes on with loud feedback squeal. Boorish Great Uncle, wearing hearing aid, screams in pain.
- Best Man takes to the stage, flashes a Tony Blair-style grin to the audience
- Starts Speech with awful story about how ‘speeches should be like a woman’s dress. Long enough to cover the essentials, short enough to keep interest’. Fake Laughter ensues.
- Share 2-3 lame anecdotes from time at school, which reflect poorly on Groom. Usually alcohol related. Often slightly sexual. A sprinkle of word-seasoning like ‘lads’, ‘boys’ ‘vibes’ and ‘good times’.
- Share 1 lame anecdote from University. See above for word-seasoning.
- Lighten mood with singular kind, mushy anecdote that reflects well on Bride and Groom.
- Propose a Toast, forgetting he’s nowhere near a Champagne Glass. Leave Stage.
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