8 etiquette conundrums all British men suffer (and how to deal with them)

Us Brits are renowned for finding awkwardness hard to deal with. It’s that silence-in-a-lift feeling, when you are overcome with an irrational need to stare at something intensely as if you’re busy, hum loudly, or fidget to the point of seizure.

Here are 8 etiquette conundrums, and how one should deal with them…

That odd moment when you find yourself doing a handshake and kissing a woman on her cheeks at the same time. One kiss or two kisses? Or going for a hug when he’s going for a high-five – if that ever happens. The key is to know what you’re doing and stick with it – don’t dither half way through.

If meeting a man: handshake – make eye contact and be firm, but don’t crush his hand to pulp.

If a woman: If the setting is formal, go for a handshake. If it’s a secondary meeting or mother of a friend, or friend of a friend then always give two kisses, on both arrival and departure.

Sadly, you can’t just shout louder than everyone else and expect to be centre of attention – as good as your stories may be. There is actually a format to the dinner party conversation, the point being that no one is left feeling like a lemon with no one to talk to. It’s an old custom, which doesn’t have to be obeyed fastidiously, but the man should spend the first half of the meal talking to the woman on his right, and then, at a signal from the head of the table, switch to his left.

It’s a grey area, but it needn’t be. If you order room service, or a porter brings your bags up, it is courtesy to tip £2 – £5.

Hmmm. Now, without opening a huge can of worms… Do you a) offer your seat and risk offending said large commuter, or b) keep you head down, because you don’t believe being fat is a disability? Opinions tend to be split, but as a gentleman you should offer your seat to anyone in more need than yourself. Therefore, if you can see they are in need, offer your seat.

If you want to offend a proper old boy – the salmon-pink trouser wearing type – pass the port across the table, or let it sit beside you unacknowledged for 10 minutes. Honestly, you may as well pee into the centre of his stilton.

Here’s all you need to know:

1. Tradition dictates that the decanter should be placed on the table to the right of the host or hostess. It is then passed to the left, going clockwise around the table until it comes to rest at its starting point.

2. Port is never passed across the table or back on itself.

3. If the decanter comes to a standstill while doing the rounds, it is considered bad form to demand it. Rather one should ask: ‘Do you know the Bishop of Norwich?’ This acts as a subtle push to continue the passing round the table.

We’ve all been there. An easy way to combat this is to say the name in question as you are introduced. E.g: “John, this is Mary.” “Hi MARY, lovely to meet you.” There’s more chance of it being engrained on your memory. If you do forget, listen in to conversation with others, or ask someone discreetly, sooner rather than later. Or, conversely, ask within the first 10 minutes: “Sorry, I’ve rudely forgotten your name.” Far better to do this than wait until half way through supper, or taking a gamble and calling her Judy.

There’s a fear involved in asking for more money from the company purse strings, a fear that for many results in the topic never being taken up with those in charge. But this makes no sense – if you feel you are worth a pay rise, and the boss agrees, the matter is easily resolved. Worse case scenario is a “not yet”; best case scenario is an increase to your bank balance, as sought.

This is another hurdle where the irresolute British gentleman stumbles. But I’ve put this to the floor and it’s a unanimous decision: always let them know. Far better to be told then get back to the office after an hour’s meeting to discover you still have a piece of croissant on your face.

Main image: The Graduate // Featured image: Getty