12 REASONS WHY ENGLAND WILL STILL WIN THE WORLD CUP

, Of course we’re still going to win. Granted, it wasn’t an ideal start. We bowed to our stereotypical nemesis and lost at a World Cup. Big deal. Don’t worry though, ye of little faith, Hodgson’s men are still going to defy the odds and throw out the ghosts of English World Cups past. Here’s 12 reasons why…

1. THANKS COSTA, After wining their opening game 3-1, underdogs Costa Rica have pulled a Moses and dramatically opened up Group D. A top two finish is there for the taking.

2. SUAREZ STILL SIDELINED, As one of the world’s best players it must be agonising not to be revelling in the warm Brazilian limelight. Oh well, violin solo for him – his loss is our gain. Although not a certain write off for Thursday’s game – he is looking worryingly fitter by the day following his knee surgery – England will fancy their chances if he is sat with the subs rather than biting them on the pitch.

3. ZERO EXPECTATIONS, In the wake of the Italian game we really do expect absolutely nothing. Past records suggest this is wise. And we fully accept that Rooney is as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to the big stage, so we can only be surprised rather than further disappointed.

4. THAT SHOT… MAYBE NEXT TIME, Sticking with the striker… Like the team, Rooney was true to his customary World Cup form and missed an opportunity my one-eyed Jack Russell could have scored – this bodes well. He can only be better for the remainder of the campaign. (But obviously, Wayne, no pressure. See point 3.)

5. WE ACTUALLY PLAYED WELL, Apparently. I had to consult a friend for this information, as I was busy singing along to the record-smashing Disney movie Frozen. But to quote Harry, “we actually played exciting attacking football.” I’ll take his word.

6. TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM, From coaching staff to players to physios, there’s a unified camp proudly bearing the Three Lions. What better example of this than physio Gary Lewin, who took the expression ‘break a leg’ a tad too far during his celebration of Sturridge’s goal against Italy. That’s passion for you.

7. WE BEAT THE FAVOURITES , England 2. Brazil 1. In February of last year. True story. And as the host nation is the clear favourite to lift the trophy, surely that affords us a fighting chance. History may repeat itself. (Or am I clutching at straws?)

8. GERRARD BANS WIFE , Too right. It isn’t a vacation. Lack of intimacy worked a miracle for Francois Pienaar and his South African rugby team in 1995. No sex equals World Cup victory. That’s fact.

9. THE TURTLE DOUBTS, But the putatively psychic testudine is merely an animal, that doesn’t know what football is.

10. DODDLE SECOND ROUND , After we’ve qualified top (or second) of our group, we [probably] face Ivory Coast or Columbia. By which time Gerrard will be smoke-screened by testosterone and playing with the wrath of a fire-breathing dragon.

11. CLEVER COACH, A Sunday Telegraph heading: “Roy Hodgson admits England need to win next two World Cup games”. Genius.

12. WE’RE LONG OVERDUE, 1966 was a seriously long time ago – back in the black and white age. Our pub repartee needs updating. Please.