20 Things a Gentleman Should Never Own

As committed readers of The Gentleman’s Journal (which of course you all are), you will know by now that we make it our duty to inform you of what you should be wearing, buying and doing every day of the year. But, sometimes we feel that it is just as important to tell you what you shouldn’t be wearing, buying or doing, and this is one of those times. So read closely Gentleman, and if for any ungodly reason you actually do own anything in this list, might we suggest that you hide, remove or burn whatever it may be. Right now.

1. CROCS

Unless a professional chef, doctor or grey-haired ageing gardener, not OK in any circumstances. Ever.

2. JEWELLERY FROM YOUR ‘TRAVELS’

Oh, you took a Gap Year? Please! You must tell us more about the full-moon party or that time you climbed Machu Picchu – no really, go on, we’re fascinated by the uniqueness of your adventures. Oh, and what’s that? You bought that old smelly beaded bracelet from an orphan in Cambodia? My God! How incredibly profound and worldly you must be. Stop. No one cares. Stow it away now, along with your boring stories of that little trip you took 6+ years ago.

3. ZIP-OFF TROUSERS

The worst of all wardrobe no-no’s. A man may own trousers and a man may own shorts, but never 2-in-1.

4. POTPOURRI

We don’t care if your grandmother gave it to you as a house-warming gift. Give it back to her so that she can pollute her own downstairs loo with unnaturally sweet smelling dried foliage.

5. FAKE FLOWERS

Either buy real ones, or none at all. If you can’t keep real plants alive then do not advertise it with blatant fake ones. Buy a cactus if you really insist on Feng Shui-ing your room.

6. KEY CHAIN BOTTLE OPENER

Simultaneously a brutal reminder of your university days and a brandishing sign that you lack the simple ability to open a bottle with any manner of everyday objects, ie: a lighter, the edge of a table, almost all kitchen utensils.

7. FAKE TAN

Just no.

8. A VELCRO WALLET

Sorry, you’re how old? Exactly. Grow up and buy a real man’s wallet.

9. NOVELTY ICE TRAY

Novelty – even the word is unpleasant. Breasts, penis’s or any other sort of ice tray that tends to rear its ugly head at stag/hen-dos should be thrown away the moment said stag-do is over.

10. JAMES BLUNT CD

It’s OK to like him. It’s OK to find him hilarious on Twitter and it’s OK to listen to his music via the secrecy of your iPod, but it’s not OK to own his CD – it’s a woman repellent – trust us.

11. FRAMED QUOTES

You know what we’re talking about, those ‘Live every day as if it’s your last’ -style quotes in ‘cool’ graphic writing with an equally cool, but still a little bit kitsch frame. Are you an Instagram-loving girl? Didn’t think so – leave the quotes to the ladies.

12. ‘LUCKY’ ANYTHING

Pants, shirts or socks. Labelling anything as ‘lucky’ simply reinforces the fact that you have no game.

13. ANYTHING HEMP

If you have to ask why, you’ll never know.

14. STRAW TRILBY

Trust us when we say you do not look good in it – no one does, no matter how many ‘friends’ have told you otherwise whilst on a boys holiday. News flash: they were just cancelling out the competition over the bikini-clad girls at the beach bar.

15. A SINGLE EARRING

Hoop, diamond, plug – it really doesn’t matter. They are all an absolute no no.

16. CAKE DECORATING EQUIPMENT

A a step too far my friend. Have you never heard of The Hummingbird Bakery?

17. A SHOWER CAP

If you are still unable to shower without getting your hair wet at this age, it might be time to re-think your adult life.

18. A BLACK EYE

You are not a testosterone-fuelled boy, you are a Gentleman. There is no need to fight, and no, you don’t look ‘cool’ or ‘hard’. (We make exception if it was due to a game of Rugby)

19. BOARD SHORTS

Are you an American teenager from a 90’s chick-flick with a dream to be a world-famous skateboarder or surfer? No? Then ditch them. Real men wear swimming trunks that finish significantly above the knee.

20. A PET REPTILE (OF ANY KIND)

It’s not cool, it’s creepy. Seriously, just get it re-homed or give it to your 10 year old cousin so that he may simultaneously mildly impress his male friends and repel every woman he ever meets in equal measure.

By Holly Macnaghten Twitter @HollyMacnaghten