20 of the funniest quotes, as told by gentlemen

Men drinking cocktails cover

History has given us many comedic gentlemen. From Socrates to Oscar Wilde, the genius of these men seemingly knows no bounds. As a matter of principle, a gentleman must always utilise wit, sarcasm and humour to his advantage. Whether this be to outsmart a fiend, cause laughter amongst friends, or simply for the pure fun of it, being funny will always put you in good stead in society. So, to give you a little humorous inspiration, here are 20 of the funniest quotes, as told by gentlemen.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back”

Oscar Wilde

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings”

Robert Bloch

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad”

Miles Kington

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher”


“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience”

Greg King

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch”

Jack Nicholson

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”

Oscar Wilde

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house”

Rod Stewart

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason”

José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting”

Mark Twain

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t”

Patrick Murray

“Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe”

Albert Einstein

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often”

Oliver Herford

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month”

Theodore Roosevelt

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I”

Oscar Levant

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out”

Richard Dawkins

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger

“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say”

Henny Youngman

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days”

Robin Williams

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car”

Bob Monkhouse

Hugh Francis Anderson

Hugh Francis Anderson

Features Editor. Follow him on Twitter: @hugh_f_anderson

Further Reading