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Issue 21
Five Alternative Ways to Stay Cool in a Heatwave
Paris may be hotter than London, but there’s no need to brave the Seine. Here are five better ways to beat the heat in style.
By Gentleman's Journal
Five Pieces of Advice for Prince George Before he heads to Eton
- Take up a new hobby
- Do the time
- Play the wall game
- Stay positive
- Don’t row
Words By Joseph Bullmore
A couple of weeks ago it was announced that Prince George is to head off to Eton at the start of the new school year — that institution which, as one old boy recently told me with a smile, “is a four letter word — and as filthy as the best of them”. But what’s curse-worthy about this place, I sometimes wonder, with its alumni consisting of twenty prime ministers, most of the royal family, and Tom Hiddleston? Perhaps if old Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor had played a match or two of the field game instead of whatever on earth it is they do up at Gordonstoun he might have learned how to behave. Or sweat. But the school can sometimes look like a daunting, befuddling place to outsiders, royal or otherwise, with its highly developed patois, its esoteric sports (more on those later), and its gossamer web of impenetrable, invisible codes. Some OEs call the place simply ‘School’, of course, with a Capital S — because to them, you see, there is really only one. Ancient Joke: Old Etonian: “did you go to School?” Incredulous non-Etonian: “Of course I bloody did!” Old Etonian: “Ah — clearly not.” One can see how these things get confusing.
With all that in mind, I contacted a few (highly anonymous) OEs to ask for the advice they would give to young George as he sets off to Slough in September. We thank them for this, and for their wider service.
1. Take up a new hobby
“I’d probably say start smoking. If you do, you are firing the starting pistol on a five year game of illicit hide-and-seek in an urban medieval environment. Not only is this the greatest year-round sport, it is also good health advice. Smoking at school inoculates you from smoking as an adult, as you can never recapture the thrill of a cheeky schnout at chambers, or finding a new roof on which to smoke amongst the brick chimneys. Oh, and never cheat, never lie, never bully. Other than that, as heir to the throne, this is your five years of freedom. Use it wisely.”
2. Do the time
“Keep your head below the parapet, steer clear of the big gangs, don’t accept any favours, read lots — and you’ll be out before you know it…”
3. Play the wall game
“He should probably get stuck into the wall game,” one OE begins, evoking the strange sport/ codified bundle that is best described as rugby played up against a brick wall. “It’s a pretty good foundation for whatever he goe into next. The rules are obscure, the action is dull, everything’s a bit of a mess — and at the end of it all, its impossible to say who has won or lost.” Former Eton master Oliver Van Oss once echoed this sentiment, writing in 1982 about how the game “provides the perfect training for later work on boards, committees, royal commissions and governing bodies. The immovable and irresistible are poised in perfect balance. Nothing is happening and it seems unlikely that anything ever will. Then for two seconds or so, the situation becomes fluid. If one can take one’s chance — and there may not be another — the day is won.” (It’s notable here, perhaps, that former PM Boris Johnson was a star player.)
“And yet, there’s a sense with it all, that such silly institutions are nonetheless important,” our confidante says. “Or important precisely because they are silly.” The night before the annual match, one of the sides has a slap-up supper in which they raise a toast to one Logie Leggatt, a legend of the sport who was killed at Flanders in 1917. “It’s said he died wearing his wall game scarf.”
4. Stay positive
“Much like being dropped into a nineteenth century HMP Wandsworth, the start will likely thrust upon you a heady mix of unfamiliarity and confusion. Should you, however, persist with the first ‘half’, you may find that your glass does in fact look half full.”
5. Don’t row
- “Buy new tails late in your final year. You can then boast about still fitting into your school uniform at weddings for evermore (unless you get fat).
- Geography matters. If your house is by lower chapel, but you decide to do history and english, your chambers poo and/or wank will always be rushed.
- Be tactical in your quest for stick-ups. If no good at maths or cricket, secretary of the cheese society will do just as well.
- In your case, this is your only opportunity to ever make any friends (those made post-school will just be suck-ups). So make lots, not just a few.
- Don’t row. Just simply don’t row.
- Be nice (cf. your dad). If you’re a dick at school, no one ever forgets (cf. your uncle).”
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