26.03.2021
Issue No 9
By Gentleman's Journal

Five job ideas for Meghan, Duchess of Sussex

  1. Instagram Poet
  2. Bestselling Author
  3. Third-favourite actress in your fourth-favourite legal drama
  4. Working Royals
  5. Gwyneth Paltrow Impersonator
Joseph Bullmore
Words By Joseph Bullmore

Bad news for fans of content-adjacent jam this week, as it emerges that Netflix has pulled out of the Duchess of Sussex’s luxury consumer products brand ‘As Ever’. Apparently, the company’s curation of high-end pantry goods was no longer cutting the mustard. And also the mustard costs $28.

And so Netflix has withdrawn its financing, we’re told, after the 360 commercial strategy of “filming Meghan preparing light-bites in someone else’s kitchen for her hairdresser to smile awkwardly at” somehow didn’t result in an overnight unicorn. Which is surprising, when you think of it. One of my favourite scenes in the Steve Jobs biography is that breakthrough moment when he and Mike Wozniak work out how to tie up some lavender stems in rustic twine. And it’s not like Meghan didn’t make all the right noises, either. The business started, apparently, when she finally asked herself the fundamental question (and here I quote directly from As Ever’s website): “What would it take to scale my fruit spreads into something I could share more broadly?” It’s a challenge that has plagued cornershops, mid-market grocery stores, and village church fundraisers for decades, to be fair. How can we disrupt marmalade? And should we pivot away from quince?

While Meghan returns with renewed energy to answer those questions — and she will need to: Variety claims that Netflix is currently sitting on $10 million of unsold As Ever stock — here are five other businesses the Duchess might like to turn to.

1. Instagram Poet

“As Ever is more than a brand — it’s a love language,” says the brand’s website on its ‘about’ page about the brand. Which is oddly poetic — a bit like Meghan’s coining of the new verb “hostessing”, which I think means “passive-aggressive pickling”. The Duchess certainly has the requisite cadence in her day-to-day speech to make literally dozens and dozens of dollars as a successful social media poet, too.

Instagram Poet

2. Bestselling Author

Harry’s first book, Spare, was the fastest and best-selling non-fiction book of all time. But it was a little heavy. Perhaps Meghan could also become a talented ghostwritten author, via a sequel that brings things up to the present in zany style (Spare 2: Let’s Get This Party Started!). Or maybe a cookbook — Spare Ribs: How to Cook for Your Family (and also continue to profit off their legacy even while saying you hate them!)

Bestselling Author

3. Third-favourite actress in your fourth-favourite legal drama

She was actually pretty good at that.

Third-favourite actress in your fourth-favourite legal drama

4. Working Royals

Because perhaps, you know, with their international outlook, good looks, interesting connections, and entrepreneurial mindsets, Meghan and Harry might be exactly what the one of the nation’s last world-recognised institutions needs right now, lending a sense of glamour, style, soft power, humanity and visible jawlines to the Royal Family in the way that, dare I say it, Princess Diana herself once did, and never — and this is a small point — having flown to the private island of a convicted sex offender or providing government trade secrets to the Chinese. Plus you’d probably get a castle.

Working Royals

5. Gwyneth Paltrow Impersonator

Oh, wait.

Gwyneth Paltrow Impersonator

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