When the historians look back on 2021 what will they write about? The 

 running aground in the Suez Canal? The UK once again earning 

 in the Eurovision Song Contest? Or that coked-up football fan who drank 20 ciders and shoved a lit flare up his butthole on Leicester Square? The UN naively declared this the year of peace and trust. Someone ought to tell His Excellency, Secretary General António Guterres, that it was in fact the year of winners and losers (evidently in our nation’s case, mainly losers). Here are six of our favourites.

The Queen said her annus horribilis was in 1992 when Windsor Castle caught fire, and her awful kids split up with their awful partners. 2021 must have been much worse. First, the family tragedy. Prince Philip passed away aged 99. Second, the family scandals. How long have you got?

Prince Charles became embroiled in a cash-for-honours fiasco involving a Saudi tycoon, which is still rumbling on. Prince Michael of Kent was exposed offering access to Putin’s inner circle, salivating at the thought of all the money he was being offered in an undercover TV sting.

Prince Harry kept hurling hand grenades at the royal institution he left, saying it was a cross between living in a zoo and The Truman Show, which sounds a million miles away from the extended TV-podcast-social-media-streaming-service tour he embarked upon this year. In Meghan’s court beef with a newspaper, she revealed that she “forgot” about briefing the authors of a biography about her and Harry. Meghan also accused a still-unknown member of the royal family of fretting about the skin colour of her first child. And the Queen’s favourite son – Prince Andrew – tried to dodge a lawsuit filed by a woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her as a teenager. What a family.

2021 was a bad year for Kanye West. After Kim divorced him, he gave these sad dad interviews about how he missed her and wanted her back. Then he legally changed his name to Ye and got rid of his 3,800 acre ranch in Wyoming. He briefly lived in a windowless room underneath the Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta while completing his new album. It looked every inch a post-split midlife crisis man cave complete with TV, single bed, and pants on the floor.

But this year was much better for Kim. She passed one of the legal exams she needs to become qualified as a lawyer in California. She was also revealed to have helped foil an international ring of antique smugglers after posing next to the gilded coffin of Nedjemankh, an ancient Egyptian priest. And she started dating one of America’s most eligible bachelors – who for some reason is Pete Davidson – and in a true power move, was snapped wearing Yeezy sneakers while holding hands with her new boyfriend.

Talk about a victory rescued from the jaws of defeat. The odds didn’t look good for Koji and Gustav, Lady Gaga’s two French bulldogs, when they were snatched off the streets of Los Angeles in an armed robbery. They were being walked by Ryan Fischer, a friend of Gaga, who was shot by the thieves and ended up in hospital. A third dog, Miss Asia, avoided capture and stayed with Fischer as he lay bleeding on the street as the ambulances raced towards him. Gaga offered half a million dollars to anyone who could recover the two pooches, no questions asked. After a few days, they were returned unharmed by a woman connected to the dognappers, leading to the arrests of five people

A banner year for the billionaire media empress in which she cemented her status as the go-to interviewer for celebs hoping to project sincerity. Her biggest coup was undoubtedly the blockbuster interview with Meghan and Harry that sent Buckingham Palace and the pro-royal press into DEFCON 1. This year’s favourite catchphrase must surely be “Were you silent… or were you silenced?”

A mixed year for the world’s richest man. On the one hand, SpaceX sent its Crew Dragon spacecraft up to the International Space Station and successfully trialled its Starship. Tesla, his car company, has an online store that sells futuristic tat. A whistle that costs $50 and looks a bit like Tesla’s upcoming Cybertruck vehicle has sold out. And he just announced that customers will soon be able to use the Dogecoin cryptocurrency to make purchases. In the eyes of his fans, he can do no wrong.

On the other hand, Musk split up with his wife, the singer Grimes, with whom he shares a son, X Æ A-Xii. Musk has spent much of this year reposting nerdy memes about NFTs or ones that compare Santa Claus to the Roman ruler Lucius Cornelius Sulla. Like Ye, he has tangible divorced dad energy. “At least 50 percent of my tweets were made on a porcelain throne,” he posted on Twitter. “It gives me solace.” He has finished out the year debuting a haircut at Art Basel that the tabloids went nuts over. It was very short on the sides but baggy on top and at the back, like 

 was set in 1980s California. Maybe it’s a trend for next year?

Theatre actors fear playing to an empty audience and waiters worry about spilling dishes onto the white linen trousers of VIP diners. Hollywood stars have nightmares about being trashed in a Taylor Swift song. Unfortunately for Gyllenhaal, an ex-boyfriend of Swift’s, he was run through the ringer in a new 10-minute version of her song, 

. He was rinsed for having a “Fuck The Patriarchy” keyring and dating young women in their early twenties as he headed past the wrong side of 30. After the song came out, a sniffy statement from Team Gyllenhaal said: “He doesn’t read gossip or pay any attention to that. He’s living his life and focused on himself. He’s ignoring all of the noise.” Which is exactly what you would say if you were utterly, utterly fucked off.

Annus Horribilis: the six biggest scandals of 2021

Michael Wolff on what Rupert Murdoch really wants in life

The UK has ended the cap on bankers bonuses, what does that mean?

A very good year: these are the best French wine vintages of the last century