What your champagne says about you

A couple of years ago I wrote a piece called ‘The Semiotics of Drinking’ which outlined the various anthropological signifiers of specific alcoholic drinks. It was a slow week.

And while some insights were pretty un-improvable (“A bloody Mary is simply a vertical soup”), the general public (and here we must take both “general” and “public” with a rimful of salt) wanted more. Is it possible that a piece which dug into the taxonomical positioning of the Aperol Spritz (“Acceptable for breakfast and/or children”) did not get specific enough? Yes, it is. And so, in a nod to the new year and also potentially-but-not-exclusively some of our advertisers,I’ve decided to decode the societal symbolism of individual champagne brands, too. It’s hard work, and no-one’s got to do it.

“You wear Coldstream Guards mess dress to Surrey weddings and take the morning off for Churchill’s birthday.”

“It’s 11am somewhere!”

“The label matches that tie of yours with the lovely little hippos.”

“You open a bottle at the slightest bit of good news. For example, the new Charles Tyrwhitt catalogue has arrived, or someone “hopes this email finds you well”.

“You are sleeping with your padel coach.”

“You must pop down to the gallery sometime…”

“You have 23 godchildren.”

“You ski in cufflinks.”

“You pronounce ‘venison’ with a ‘z’. Venizzon.”

“Nicky Haslam thinks you’re a bit much.”

“My rap name is Jolyon.”

“You drink it because your grandfather did. You own your Chelsea three-bed because your grandfather died.”

“You used to date a promoter at Boujis. You are now married to a former promoter at Boujis.”

“For several months in your twenties you wore a beret.”

“You make your own blinis.”

“…are the respective names of your twin spaniels.”