How to remain a gentleman during the tube strike

Such is the apocalyptic picture that’s being painted by the media frenzy surrounding London’s tube strike, you’d think the end of the world was fast approaching. Some 2.67million everyday tube users are suddenly jumping up and down, frothing with anger towards the drivers who have just thrown their travel plans into a capricious sea of mayhem. First we were subjected to a heatwave that threatened to reduce us all to pathetic puddles, and now our main travel artery has been clogged. This, London, is a bloody crisis.

Tube commuters are sieving TFL for an alternative route to work, cursing their misfortune and yelling about how unfair life is now that they are being forced to take not one, but two f**cking buses to work. Meanwhile, bus commuters are getting angsty because their personal space is about to be truly invaded – much like gym-dwelling ‘roid heads do in January when the masses flood in to address their New Year’s resolutions. That seat you’re always guaranteed on the 137 is definitely going to be taken by someone who normally hops on the tube. We’re all having a bloody good whinge – thanks London Underground, you selfish bas**rds.

It’s integral, however, that as gentlemen we don’t get caught up in the furore. With this in mind, here are 5 ways to remain a gentleman during the tube strike…

1. KEEP YOUR COOL, Despite the tripe that the Daily Mail will inevitably preach, we aren’t heading into a civil war. It is a tube strike, for one day, so keep your cool and be prepared in order to minimise fuss and frustration. Ensure your oyster card is topped up if needs be, leave the double bass at home and opt for a small bag instead, and plan your route now rather than in a heated queue of 8million people baying for the blood of the men and women who gave rise to this miserable problem. Expect the hoards and don’t act surprised by them.

Travel is not worth boiling your blood about, so refrain from getting caught up in the whirlwind – a gentleman never loses his cool without good reason. A 24-hour travel conundrum is not one of these good reasons.

2. BE POLITE, Like the finest things in life, gentlemen are a rare breed, labelled with such an accolade due to their ability to remain calm and collected in any scenario. Don’t sacrifice etiquette in the heat of a commuting battle. If taking the bus, remember the simple things like giving up your seat to those more in need, thanking your driver when disembarking and being aware of the dispositions of others around you.

3. DON’T REVERT TO WEIRD FORMS OF TRANSPORT , Just because the tubes are off the cards, don’t feel you need to run out to your nearest shopping centre and invest in some weird and wonderful piece of wheeled wizardry. There’s just something about seeing suited and booted men on a scooter, mini Segway or skateboard that doesn’t seem right – a bit like trying to teach salsa to a Highland cow. Or grown men Morris dancing. Just no.

You still have buses, Boris Bikes and The Overground – use them.

4. DON’T SACRIFICE STYLE AND GROOMING, The small details still apply. After all, when you’ve eventually fought your way to work through the splenetic rush hour crowds, you still have meetings and the like to attend, so don’t look as if you’ve just been stuffed through a log chopper and spat out into a peat bog.

Don’t be fashionably late without the fashion – that’s just late, and is about as fashionable as tie-dye (see point 5).

5. DON’T BE LATE , A gentleman is never late, and to be perfectly frank, a tube strike shouldn’t have any bearing on this. To be late is to be ill-prepared, so get up earlier – it’s that simple. It may take you an extra hour to get to work, so set your alarm an hour earlier. It’s one day, you’ll live.

Good luck out there, gents.