The summer style mistakes every woman hates
From short shorts to oversized shades, it's time for a wardrobe overhaul
From wearing linen to avoiding the urban flip-flop, we’ve already handed you a couple of top tips this year to upgrade your summer wardrobe. But, as long as we’ve got your sartorial attention, there are several garments that you should be avoiding as well. We’re sorry, gents, but this is just how us ladies feel towards certain styles and trends, and if your goal is to impress us then you should be taking notes.
Vests, or tank-tops for our American cousins, may seem a good idea in the sun, when you don’t want restricting material heating your arms to unbearable temperatures, but no vest is best. Traditionally an undergarment, there’s a reason that your ancestors didn’t tear off their shirts and jackets and parade in nothing but a vest – and that’s not just because the tan-lines are hideous.
And you may think that we ladies will raise an eyebrow if you sashay past in a vest – but the truth is you don’t look as much like John McClane or an old-timey New York construction worker as you may think. Your arms may be impressive, but we’ll get a good impression of them in a t-shirt as well, so opt for sleeves for the sake of decency.
For some unfounded reason, oversized sunglasses seem to have taken the fashion world by storm. Are they statement pieces? Yes, of course. Are they good statement pieces? No, obviously. If your shades are jutting off the size of your face, rethink them gents.
You may think they’re a brilliant attempt at summer peacocking, but unless you’re going for the Elton John look, you’re sorely mistaken. Instead, they tend to look like novelty items – similar to those cringeworthy New Year’s celebration specs, or party gear you’d wear whilst holding an inflatable saxophone. Try a classic style – something by Ray-Ban never goes amiss – and you’ll look less like a failing comedian.
Is there anything creepier than a man in short shorts? If there is, we’re yet to stumble across it. It may seem unfair, that women can stroll around in short shorts and look good, but that’s just the way it is.
But don’t give up on all shortkind. Mid-length here is key, as those long three-quarter excuses for shorts are almost as risible as the high-cut horrors. A cut just above your knee will elongate your legs, still afford you a respectable tan, and won’t cause mild terror on public transport. Too short, and they’re almost boxer shorts – and that’s best saved for the bedroom.
Whilst we’re on the subject of too much leg, let’s turn our heads – begrudgingly – to the much-maligned Speedo. Save for the Olympic diving pool, Speedos are not tolerated at any time. Even when Daniel Craig’s James Bond waded out of the water in his tiny trunks, he had the good sense to make sure they weren’t too tiny.
So, even if you’ve been working on your body all spring, and look like some sort of Greek statue carved from marble, Speedos are such a no-go that if you want to attract women, run in the opposite direction. There are many alternatives, from Orlebar Brown to Ralph Lauren, so embrace this year’s trend for a vintage sixties style, and keep your treasure well-buried.
If there was ever a professional time to use the word ‘lol’, surely this would be that moment. Visors, for some reason, have started cropping up as an acceptable alternative to the baseball cap. But, in our opinion, whoever has decided that these should be back in style has tightened the adjustable band at the back of their visor a little too tight.
Pick one up at your own peril. You’ll end up either looking like you’re about to deal out the cards at a Las Vegas blackjack game, or teeing up to tee up a game of pub golf – both of which are incredibly ungentlemanly, and won’t score you any points with us ladies.
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