Unless you’re one of the lucky few who’s managed to avoid the Tube – perhaps you’ve inherited the family chauffeur, or maybe you just stay within the SW3 bubble – then you’ll know of the moshpit on the Victoria/Piccadilly/Northern et al. line come rush hour, morning and afternoon. Faces pressed against backs; the build-up of commuter condensation; the inevitable breaking of the faulty track lights. It’s a game of mind over matter, rather than a way to and from the office. (It must be noted that this experience is not limited to London – similar occurrences are common on the New York subway, the metro in Barcelona, and the like.)

Manners on such transport systems are a medley of acquiescence, frustration and passive aggression – but for those of you who believe that the art of civil behaviour still lives strong in everyday acts, just try to follow these few simple rules when next tapping in...

The cardinal sin of Tube travel is ruffling about for your wallet, stopping, then waiting for the barriers to close before swiping your own card. There’s no need; prepare in advance and know that you can enter even with the gateways still open. Lingering is not the modus operandi of the everyday Londoner, so get your Natwest/Monzo/Oyster ready with plenty of time, let the person ahead through, and tap in approximately one second after, leading with your tapping arm (moving your body ahead of the tap motion will cause delays due to sensors).

This is when pass-agg Brits will actually lose it – you can expect all sorts of profanities, sly digs and razor-sharp looks as you get barged past on this free-walking slice of real estate. Whenever in doubt, just look at the people ahead and get in line.

It never astounds us the number of times we see people struggling up broken escalators with heavy, ripping-at-the-seams suitcases and everyone just runs on past them. If time allows, lend a hand and some muscle. The same applies to parents with buggies.

A true gent (if he can) should stand up for any woman on the Tube, regardless of her age, level of pregnancy, etc. He should probably also stand for any older men – and while we’re at it, parents with young kids, people with heavy bags and anyone who seems to have sustained an injury of any kind (sprained wrists and broken thumbs included) should also be treated this way.

Nonostante venga ripetuto a tutto volume dagli altoparlanti nelle ore di punta, la gente sembra continuare a dimenticare questa regola fondamentale per chi viaggia sui mezzi pubblici. Lo sappiamo, le estremità di ogni carrozza sono preferibili (e i sedili sono troni magnifici, ma questo è ovvio); tuttavia, per rendere il viaggio più agevole a tutti, se necessario bisogna spostarsi lungo il corridoio, anche se ciò comporta lo spiacevole gesto di reggersi alle maniglie. Allo stesso modo, gli zaini vanno sempre tenuti di lato: andare in giro urtando gli altri con il proprio guscio da tartaruga è un comportamento pessimo e di cattivo gusto.

Cold sandwiches, acceptable. Protein and cereal bars, completely fine. Everyone’s on the Huel these days, so we’re cool with that, especially as it’s in a bottle. A doner from the local? Whopper? Leon box? Not a chance.

Si sono dimenticati tutti della pandemia? A prescindere dalla distanza che vi separa dalla persona più vicina, e anche se non pensi di essere malato, copriti la bocca quando tossisci.

We love Wretch 32. We love 1990s shoegaze. Stevie Wonder is phenomenal. Bob Dylan – big thumbs up. But we don’t want to hear any of it from your tinny phone speakers. (If needing some assistance, try our headphones roundup…)

When trying to zone out from the day, stare at shoes. For all other staring, keep it for the evening Netflix binge. Everyone’s already uncomfortable enough.

E, infine, non siate quel tipo di persona. Se siete sulla Victoria line, aspettate semplicemente quei due minuti in più per il prossimo treno. Se invece siete altrove, non vi resta che augurarvi buona fortuna. I ritardi fanno parte del viaggio (non aveva detto qualcosa del genere Anthony Bourdain?); siamo certi che il vostro capo con autista capirà…

Vuoi altri consigli sul galateo? Ecco come padroneggiare l’arte della stretta di mano…