We asked a top relationship and sex therapist for her top sex tips
Sex and relationship therapist Jo Nicholl has over 25 years of experience. Here, we ask her for solutions to common bedroom problems...
Sex. It’s an area of life that seems to raise more and more questions as the years go by. But that’s how it should be. As we grow, we adapt and learn from past experiences — learning as we go how to make sex more mutually enjoyable, exciting and consensual. And, as sex becomes an increasingly less taboo subject, we’re becoming more confident in finding solutions to our bedroom problems.
Maybe you’re unsure about how to please your partner in bed? Or perhaps you don’t even know how to get things started. Or, possibly, you and your partner have spent the past year locked down together — and your sexual spark has suffered as a result? These feelings — as well as countless more — are entirely normal. So, for some answers, we spoke to relationship and sex therapist Jo Nicholl (also host of the Love Maps podcast, a guide to love, sex and relationships) for some top sex tips for men.
Tip #1: Curiosity is sexy
“Ask questions. Be curious!,” says Jo. “Curiosity is super sexy. Everyone remembers the guy that asks you questions at a party. The guy who’s interested, who holds eye contact. Find out about the woman; that’s sexy.”
The curiosity doesn’t stop when the sex begins. “Communicate through sex. For example, you could ask, ‘Is this good? Would you like it a little bit harder, or a little bit softer?’ Talk to your partner. Women are [often] longing to be asked how they feel. Ask whether she likes a firm touch, or a soft touch; things like that.”
Where sex tips for men are concerned, this curiosity is about as important as it gets. “Many women are not having the sex they want, because they’re afraid to tell the guy that [for example] they don’t like being touched in that particular place. That’s why men need to say: ‘Does this feel right?’ Men need to want to get it right, and to understand that women are not necessarily confident enough to articulate it just like that. Men need to say, for example, ‘Does this feel good? Please move my hand to where it’s going to be more pleasurable. Help me to give you more pleasure.’”
Tip #2: Foreplay is essential
When it comes to sex tips for men, good foreplay is up there with the very best tips around. “Anticipation is very sexy; dropping little hints, little touches. Intimacy can be a lot of things without being [actual] sex,” explains Jo — and emphasises how important foreplay is for women.
“Women really need foreplay,” she emphasises. “They need to be aroused. Arousal can take a week! It could be sexting, it could be touching, it could be innuendos. It could be planning or scheduling a sexy night at home. Women need to be physically prepared for sex, in terms of bloodflow to the genital area. So foreplay is important not just on the night [itself], but also during the day [as a build up].” Essentially, if you want your girlfriend to have a good time on the night, the importance of foreplay can’t be underestimated.
Tip #3: Don’t forget the simple stuff
“Always have a lube by your bed,” says Jo. “Women love it, it’s great for men; just be right on board with lube. Don’t leave it to the women!”
And another simple sex tip is in the underwear area; another simple way to heighten sexual enjoyment for both parties in the bedroom. “Men like it when women dress up, or experiment with lingerie; [but] men also need to do the same thing,” Jo explains. “Buy [stylish] underwear! [Many] women like seeing men in cool kit.”
Tip #4: If you’re looking to spice things up…
“Find some porn that you both enjoy; ethical porn is fabulous,” Jo points out. “With ethical porn, the actors and actresses are there on a consensual basis; they look at the scripts; they get a proper pay; it’s about women [actually] getting pleasure, not just women looking like they’re enjoying anal sex with no foreplay, for example. It’s very, very real; it’s about men and women enjoying themselves.”
And the tips don’t stop at porn. “Reading erotic literature is great; play around with what you’re both into. Talk about fantasies. Fantasies can be playful, maybe a bit ‘naughty’; maybe one of you could dress up. Just explore that together in a fun way. You could ask [your girlfriend], ‘Is there something you’ve always envisaged me wearing, that you never dared ask?’ That sort of thing.
“You could also experiment with different fabrics, or scents, or music, or locations. Again, it’s about communication. ‘What are you missing? What are you fantasising about? When you’re not thinking about me, what are you fantasising about?’ That sort of thing.
Tip #5: Communicate, communicate, communicate
We’ve saved the best for last: when it comes to sex tips for men, communication is the most important tip by a long, long way. If you’re looking to give a woman pleasure in the bedroom: talk to her.
“Men need to be open to the fact that their partner will want to give them pleasure; but they also really want to have pleasure themselves,” Jo emphasises. “And you can both have that if you communicate.”
And it’s not just about the asking (though the asking is important), but establishing an open, caring channel of communication. “Understand that many women are quite nervous about expressing what they need, or expressing that they maybe don’t love what’s happening to them [in that moment]. A lot of women would like to be a bit more heard, around their sexuality; but it’s about understanding that it’s a sensitive subject, and people feel quite vulnerable when it comes to sex; so it’s about being sensitive to the other person’s vulnerability.”
In short, gents, when it comes to sex tips for men: a woman’s needs are paramount. If you want to give a woman pleasure in the bedroom, you’ll need to communicate with her, and help her to feel comfortable expressing what she likes — and doesn’t like — to you. If you can help a woman to enjoy the sexual experience as much as you do, it’ll be a far more mutually enjoyable experience all round.
Seeking more romantic advice? Why not have a read of our top 10 first date ideas…
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