Follow these five simple steps and we assure you that you’ll be sipping martinis in an executive chair before the year is out…
No.1: BODY LANGUAGE, If I had a penny for all the useless dross I’ve heard about confidence, posture and, y’know, stuff like that, I’d be… not a millionaire, per se, but I would be able to afford a KitKat with my sandwiches occasionally. Still, there are always things worth remembering about how to use your body in the office environment: keeping your clothes on, remembering to breathe and not dribbling over your keyboard would be a start. Then there’s stuff like eye contact – tricky, this one: a little is basic good manners, but cross the line and suddenly you’re in Hannibal Lecter country. Similarly, when you shake hands with someone, remember not to crush them – I know they tell you to be ‘firm’, but blimey, this isn’t Mortal Kombat you know. Finally, there’s washing – when your boss talks about ‘working up a sweat’, he may not mean it literally. Oh, and stand up straight when I’m talking to you, you filthy slob.
No.2: ALPHA MAIL, You don’t have to be criminally stupid to get fired off the back of an office e-mail, but it helps. First of all, make absolutely sure you’re sending your message to the right person – though your boss may well enjoy your ‘imaginative’ role-play missives to your Internet-only girlfriend, she probably won’t be so forgiving when it comes to receiving memos about quarterly performance or Taiwanese interest rates. Don’t send any jpegs of your genitals, or those of anyone you work with. In fact, probably best to avoid willies altogether. It’s a lot to ask, but don’t be rude, boring or drunk. Speling things rite is gud to (see wot I did ther?).
No.3: GET REAL PAID, So-ooo… you actually believe you deserve a pay rise, do you? Depressingly, so does everybody else – you’re going to have to make a pretty convincing case. It helps to do some research into what’s realistic – if you work in a pub, for example, it’s probably not a great idea to ask for executive pay. There’s also the old myth that you need to talk like a mob subordinate from a Martin Scorsese film – it’s all very well saying ‘… and if you don’t, I quit!’. But come on: in your boss’s shoes, wouldn’t you betempted to reply with a shrug of the shoulders and a nonchalent ‘Okay. Byeeee’? In any case, as the ancient Mesopotamian saying goes, don’t be a dick.
No.4: MASTERING THE MEETING, Groan, groan, groan: the real key here is to switch your phone off, pretend you’re not bored and sit tight hoping nobody asks you anything. But what if they do? While the best plan of action might actually be to feign illness and sod off for lunch, it’s probably good to have some idea of what’s being discussed. You still don’t have to pay attention, but having a meaningless-but-impressive-sounding management-speak ready for any number of questions is always handy. The shorter, the better: something like ‘In the end of the day, the crystal ball is looking bright, and with a little blue-sky thinking, we can really drill down to move forward with things.’ People love that sort of thing, apparently.
No.5: BECOMING THE MODEL WORKER, Don’t hurry. Don’t slack. Don’t undersell yourself. Don’t brag. Don’t be nasty. Don’t be nice. Don’t brown-nose. Don’t fail to compliment your boss. Don’t argue. Don’t hold back. Don’t do anything, in fact – and when the severance pay comes through, don’t forget to thank the Gentleman’s Journal.
By Digby Warde-Aldam, To read the full article and more, subscribe to the magazine: thegentlemansjournal.com
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