I think it’s fair to say (without causing a bombardment of anti-feminist or sexist accusations and hate-mail) that we women are complex creatures. What we say and what we mean are, more often than not, the complete opposite. There is no rational explanation for this and I don’t think we’re about to change after x years of practice, so it’s in your best interest to learn the lingo. Think of this as your online bible to translating the most common things that women say and what they really mean – you’ll thank us later.
1. I’M FINE
I am most certainly not fine. I am upset/angry/annoyed or all of the above, but I’m not going to tell you why – you have to work it out for yourself.
2. WHATEVER, I’M OVER IT
I am not over it – I just want you and the rest of the world to think that I am so I can wallow in self pity in solitude with a bottle of white and large box of chocolates.
3. FINE, JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT
Not fine, don’t you dare do what you’re planning on doing. Or do… and suffer my wrath – your choice.
4. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER NOW ANYWAY
It does matter, it really matters actually, it matters more now than it did when it first happened and it’s affecting every single facet of my day this week.
5. I’M ON MY WAY/JUST RUNNING OUT OF THE DOOR/STUCK IN TRAFFIC
I’m currently sitting in my bath towel, with wet hair and no make-up and haven’t even chosen an outfit yet – see you in an hour… minimum.
6. I DON’T MIND
I do mind, I mind very much actually. I know exactly what I do want to eat/do/watch, but I’m going to test you. How well do you really know me? Now is your chance to read my mind and you better get this right first time, or you can expect a flurry of ‘fines’ and ‘whatevers’ for the rest of the evening.
7. HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?
What is your entire past history with that woman, sexual or otherwise? Should I be threatened and am I prettier than her?
8. I MEAN I COULD EAT
I’m absolutely starving, but I don’t want to say I’m starving because this implies I’m greedy and fat, so I need you to take charge right now and find me a restaurant and a bread basket asap.
9. SORRY, WHAT?
Oh I heard you, I heard you loud and clear, I’m just giving you a chance to change what you said.
10. I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE HIM THAT MUCH ANYWAY
I really liked him, in fact I think I was falling for him, but he hurt me and my pride and now I’m trying to a put on a brave face – hand me the vodka!
Main photo: Hanna Hillier // Styling by Holly Macnaghten