That’s right gentlemen, we’re answering the question that many of you will no doubt have wondered at some point in your sexual life. No cotton-wool wrapping it, just straight out there, to the point – is there ever a correct way to leave a one-night stand? That is not to say that we condone one-night stands, but unlike your parents we are not blinded by thoughts of you as perfect monogamous men who wait until love or marriage before partaking in S.E.X.
To start you off, I want to tell you a few true stories from real male friends of mine, the kind of friends and colleagues who genuinely believed that they were doing the whole one-night stand thing right, only to be swiftly shot down by fury and up-roar from women like myself.
CASE STUDY A:
Last weekend my friend, let’s call him Mr A, after being refused re-entry to a smart watering hole in West London found himself stuck on the street while we all continued to dance the night away with no idea that he was even missing (we’re good friends like that). Luckily, despite his inebriated state, Mr A managed to pull out some suave strings and ended up going back to a girls house just around the corner. So far so good. Details of what happened from this moment until the morning are (for obvious reasons) disclosed, but come morning (points for staying the whole night through) said friend found the decor of her flat to be so inspiring that he started walking around from room to room to take pictures of her interiors – upon finding him snapping away on his phone she was of course totally bemused, if not terrified, and swiftly showed him the door.
Note To All: Do not employ stalker-ish qualities in order to be kicked out
Tips For Next Time: A simple “Lovely to meet you – great apartment by the way” would have sufficed
CASE STUDY B:
A friend exclaimed one morning with a smirk on his face that he had ‘pulled a bit of dick move’ the previous night. ‘A bit’ being the operative word. Mr B had snagged some poor girl on a Thursday night out and managed to go back to hers, after the deed was done he swiftly got up, got dressed and left with a quick “I’ve got work in the morning”. Got work in the morning? So do most people Mr B.
Note To All: Don’t be that guy
Tips For Next Time: If you’re lucky enough to have been taken back to hers then you can damn sure stay a little while. If it means getting up at 5am to make it to work on time then so be it – you made your bed, lie in it.
CASE STUDY C:
Mr C, who was in fact the one who suggested this article be written, told me of a not too terrible example of leaving a one-night stand, but one none the less that I will share with you. After staying the whole night through he tried to sneak out with what he described as the ‘duvet wriggle’, (a man tactic I am told in order to get out of bed without waking her up). She woke up. So he told her that he had to leave and they said their goodbyes. But then he had to get dressed – and this he said is where the awkwardness that he wishes to remove from his one-night stand endeavours ensued. Once dressed he then had to say goodbye again – slightly more awkwardly. After leaving, he realised he had left his wallet so had to come back in again and then embark on his third and final goodbye. The goodbye in question consisted of a spur of the moment, unbearably awkward “finger-gun-style-hip-blast whilst saying ‘catch ya laterrr'”. Smooth Mr C, very smooth.
Note To All: Do not say goodbye before you are 100% dressed and ready to leave with all you belongings on your person.
Tips For Next Time: Have a morning snuggle and kiss, then get up, get dressed, put your shoes on and find your phone, wallet, keys and THEN say goodbye.
POINTS FOR LEAVING A ONE-NIGHT-STAND IN STYLE:
– Leave hers before she wakes up. Seriously, there were too many of male friends that thought this was ok. It is not. At all.
– Ask her to leave if she stayed at yours. If you brought her back, you can deal with her staying over.
– Make a half hearted excuse in order to get her to leave, examples include ‘ohhh I have an early meeting and I sleep badly with people in my bed’, ‘I kind of have this rule that I don’t let women stay the night in case they get attached’, ‘oh, so you’re staying are you? Errr, about that….’
– Offer to order her a taxi (and ideally pay for it too, preferably on an account so there is no awkward exchanging of money).
– Make her coffee/breakfast at hers before you leave.
– Take her out for breakfast if she has stayed at yours (also quite a good way to get her out of the house without looking like a dick).
– Offer to exchange numbers, you’ll probably never speak again and she knows that as well as you do, but it’s just polite.
– Kiss her on the lips before you go – it needn’t be sensational, but a hug – really? That’s just awkward.
If you care enough about having meaningless sex that you are willing to initiate a one-night stand then you should care enough to keep some class about you during and after said one-night stand. Yes, the chances are you might not see her again and we all know that no good relationship has ever come from a one-night-stand, but don’t break ties completely on a bad note, if not for your own self-worth, then remember this: girls talk. ALL girls talk in fact and word travels fast my friends, very fast.