Etiquette – 10 Things you Should Never do on the Tube
The Tube is the oldest underground railway in the world. After 151 years of consistent operation, it’s hardly surprising that the system has developed an unwritten etiquette just as weird and complicated as the bloke in the baby-gro who hassles tourists outside Earl’s Court station every Friday. To many of us, basic common sense on public transport comes naturally, but it’s still astounding how many berks – many of them Londoners born and bred – seem to see the Tube as a cross between a singles’ bar and the bog of their local JD Wetherspoon. It’s for this reason that we’ve drawn up our own code of behaviour – read on and finally you might begin to understand why you keep getting ‘accidentally’ elbowed in the kidneys on the morning commute.
THOU SHALT NOT ATTEMPT TO BOARD A RUSH-HOUR TRAIN BEFORE PASSENGERS HAVE GOT OFF IT, Logic, isn’t? Less people = more space. You trying to force your way onto the train against the tide. (And thou shalt extend this and mine other commandments to all bus, Overground and DLR services in the Greater London area. Ta.)
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE A JOURNEY WITHOUT PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OF THY ROUTE, Do you really want to be the idiot who obstructs the platform trying to figure out the best place to change for Paddington? Of course you don’t. So do your research.
THOU SHALT NOT CONSUME LUNCH ON THE TUBE, This applies particularly to KFC, Subway, pizza and that weird, sperm-y sauce you get on budget kebabs. Gross.
REMEMBER THE MORNING TOOTH BRUSH, FOR IT IS HOLY, Because if you’re the scrawny guy with shit for breath who gets on the Central Line at Shepherd’s Bush every morning, I’m going to ram a bottle of mouthwash down your throat soon if you don’t.
HONOUR THY NEIGHBOURS, Seriously, people who don’t offer their seats to pregnant women, disabled or old people should be fucking shot. Not, like, in the face, but maybe in the bum or something. Yeah, that would work.
THOU SHALT NOT WATCH DVDs ON THE UNDERGROUND, – How bored can you get in the probable half-hour you’ll spend on the Tube? I once saw a man board a train at King’s Cross and pull out his laptop. He spent five minutes trying to locate a power socket (!) and then, having failed to do so, started watching a pirated copy of Heat – without headphones. He got out at Holborn, two stops down the line. Prick.
THOU SHALT NOT LETCH, Okay gents, we know the District Line can get pretty boring if you’ve got nothing to read, but seriously – the pretty girl in the seat opposite isn’t particularly turned on by the fact you’re staring at her tits. And yes, you can stop yourself from drooling – get a grip.
THOU SHALT NOT STAND IN THE WAY OF THE CLOSING DOORS AS THE TRAIN PREPARES TO LEAVE, They tell you not to for a good reason, duh.
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE TUBE’S NAME IN VAIN, – ‘It’s sooooo slooowwww/smelly/crowded and the subway in New York/Paris/Berlin/Tokyo/Narnia is soooo much cheaper/cleaner/quieter/tastier…’ We’ve all heard it and probably felt it. But let’s face it – the Tube is a pretty damn good form of transport, which is lucky because you’re with it. Just deal with it, will you?
THOU SHALT NOT KILL, – Sorry, not very Tube-specific, but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded every now and then.
By Digby Warde-Aldam
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