… well, what does it say about you? Easy. It shows how much cash you’re willing to stump up for a showy accessory. But, in the interests of producing this thoroughly important bit of writing, let’s imagine there’s something else – that your watch might be inadvertently revealing a hidden talent for gardening, or be a secret indication of a foot fetish. What would you want your timepiece to represent? To get to the bottom of this completely made up quandary, we’ve investigated five watch variants and tried to tap into the deepest hopes and fears of their wearers…
THE PLASTIC DIGITAL ONE
Once upon a time, wearing one of these plastic lumps would have declared in the loudest possible way ‘I’m poor and I don’t care for such ghastly Capitalist vulgarity.’ But time changes everything (which I’ve just realised is quite appropriate for an article on watches, clever me) – these days, you’re more likely to see one on the ironically-tatted arm of a man in Dalston who runs a Vietnamese street food pop-up. The message now, then is ‘I’m relatively well-off and enjoy the films of the Back to the Future franchise.’ It’s hip to be square, etc etc.
THE ALL-METAL ONE WITH UNNECESSARY KNOBS
Behold the last word in show-off wrist decoration. Swank but sporty, it sits squat above the right hand and declares: ‘the man wearing me is a multi-millionaire with a heated swimming pool and a nickname for his willy.’ Which is great, if you’re into that sort of thing.
THE BORING BUT REASSURINGLY EXPENSIVE ONE
This is the sort of accessory that tasteful personal shoppers urge their customers to buy. It’s discrete but authoritative – you can imagine Gordon Brown buying one to kid himself that he had a clue about how to run the country.
THE BIG, ROUND ONE
Nothing – except perhaps one of those massive lawmower tractors – shouts ‘I work in finance and spend the weekends at my mansion in Sussex’ quite like this number. It suggests you might be the type of guy who splashes huge amounts of cash on dates and tries to look as if you aren’t slightly annoyed about it. Or maybe I’m just cheap.
THE HI-TECH ONE
Wooo, lasers. If you like to give the impression you’re part-cyborg (and I know a fair few blokes who do), this is just the ticket. This model allows you to bestride the aisles of your local supermarket pretending you’re about to buy a sushi-making kit. It won’t get you any sex, but who cares when everyone in your immediate vicinity is mistaking you for a meth-addled timelord? Dunno about you, but that actually sounds pretty cool to me.
By Digby Warde-Aldam
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