There are few things scarier than taking a client out to lunch. Lunch should be something pleasurable – whether it’s a five-course meal bombed out with gallons of booze or a supermarket sandwich shovelled down at the desk, it represents a break in the day, a milestone on the long, slow march to hour when finally you can sod off home. But at a business lunch, even the menu is a minefield. Everything you do – from how you hold your fork to how fluently you can hold forth on the bonds market with a gob full of spaghettini. You have almost infinite scope to look stupid, greedy, neurotic and slovenly. Because you know what? You probably are.
But in the interests of not showing it, we’ve kindly put together the keys to disaster limitation. And by the way, once you’ve read and absorbed them, you owe us lunch.
Do NOT mess about with the bill
If it’s you who makes the invitation, then it’s you who’s paying. Sorry, but tough. You’re nobody. You’re buying someone else’s time with whatever form of nosh, atmosphere and service you can reasonably afford. There is nothing worse than looking cheap – except, possibly, for looking cheap whilst wearing a shirt covered in barbecue sauce. Happily, if it’s the other way ‘round, then you’re important and we should probably be sucking up to you. Oh don’t even think about offering to pay, your excellency…
Do NOT choose the wrong restaurant
You’ve taken a vegetarian to a steakhouse. Or an Orthodox Jew to a Spanish pork’n’shellfish joint. Or anyone in their right mind to a Jamie Oliver franchise. You’re really not cut out for this ‘life’ lark, are you?
Do NOT order the wrong meal
A lot of potential menu hazards will be intrinsically linked to the point above – take care where you choose to eat. The easy way to avoid a ruining not only your reputation but also your shirt is to go for a decent French or Italian place. Bags of choice and, unless you’re showing off, nothing drastically messy. To be avoided at all costs are: Chinese food (sorry, but are you serious?), vindaloo, those ‘dirty’ burgers everyone slathers over, anything even remotely resembling faeces.
Do NOT speak with your mouth full
Sorry, but as this is the Internet, we really can’t be certain that you’re not criminally stupid. Similarly, don’t make ‘nom’ noises when you eat, don’t dribble, don’t steal food from your lunchee’s plate, don’t lie, steal or kill etc etc.
Do NOT get drunk…
… unless, of course, your opposite number does. If you don’t, you’ll look puritanical. And nobody, not even other puritans, likes a puritan. In fact, this may be the best-case scenario – a couple of rounds in the pub afterwards you can even make an afternoon, and possibly a long-term working relationship of it. You never know. Stranger things’ve happened, I guess…
By Digby Warde-Aldam
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